Quotations from Brainy Smurf 203

A rewrite of a famous moment in movie history
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 2002 00:55:58 +1000

[A furious light saber duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE
SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops
off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke
backs away. He looks round, but realizes there's nowhere to go but
straight down.]

DARTH VADER: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."

LUKE: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

DARTH VADER: "No! I am your father!"

LUKE: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

DARTH VADER: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

LUKE: "NO!"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that
brass droid of yours?"

LUKE: "Threepio?"

DARTH VADER: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

LUKE: "No."

DARTH VADER: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at
yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate
your own ship out of the swamp."

LUKE: "I worked hard on that moisture farm."

DARTH VADER: "What? Hauling buckets? I spent my childhood as a slave
then *real* Jedi training, not 'a few days in the swamp
with Yoda'."

LUKE: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

DARTH VADER: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly
destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

LUKE: "Well, it's not my fault."

DARTH VADER: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I
wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord
of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!'"

LUKE: "Shut up."

DARTH VADER: "You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had
exterminated the Jedi knights!"

LUKE: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

DARTH VADER: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor . 10 years old, winner of
the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer,
right here baby!"

[Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.]

DARTH VADER: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you
are, but you sure ain't mine."

[Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the
shaft.]

[Darth Vader looks after him.]

DARTH VADER: "And get a haircut!"

-- Barry Smith, (listed on http://www.inktank.com/)